Her Supreme Evil Overlordness, Rukia Kuchiki
by Satirrian
Summary: Of all the Tyrannical Dictators known to man, only one has seen fit to create a giant killer pink bunny. This same Evil Overlord also then has the brilliant idea to put this monstrosity in a tutu and feed disobedient citizens to it. This person is Rukia Kuchiki, and the bunny… is Chappy. Welcome to (a severely messed-up version of) Japan.
1. Run For Your Lives She's In Charge

**A/N: Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach. That's Tite Kubo's property. I do own bleach (lower case, see?*points*). I'm sure Kubo owns the cleaning detergent too.**

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**Her Supreme Evil Overlordness, Rukia Kuchiki**

**Chapter I: **

**Run For Your Lives The Bunny Obsessed Egomaniac Has Taken Over**

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Rukia stood in a large dark room with a round table at the center. 10 people sat around the table staring at her with varying expressions of boredom, lazyiness, and killing intent. But they always looked like that. One guy was reporting to her about some jack-ass who tried to start a rebellion and is gathering followers and yadda yadda ya...

Then a certain strawberry blonde kicked open the door, dragging behind him a tied-up black-haired man who was silently radiating fury.

"OI, RUKIA! I GOTTA PROBLEM FOR YA!"

Rukia Kuchiki ignored him. She was the Ultimate Queen of Japan, god damn it! She refused to acknowledge anyone so disrespectful to their rightful ruler. After all, which dictator was any better than her at terrorizing the mind-less citizens she reigned over? Who better could recruit homicidal maniacs and sadistic torturers into her Legions of Terror so heinously? Better yet, who could put down any and all of the weak revolts the hero menace may even hope to instigate so instantaniously? None, other than Rukia herself.

Those heroes confused Rukia, though. Honestly, she did not understand why those fiends find it enjoyable to try and usurp her power. Rukia is the most awesome being that ever set foot on this planet. Everyone should just bow down to her because of her awesome aura of sheer intimidation. But one may never know the so called hero's motives.

Snapping out of her thoughts, Rukia realized it was Ichigo Kurosaki, her lieutenant. Unfortunantly, this meant the annoyance would not go away because he was ignored. Instead, he would probably just become even more annoying. When she finally focused on what he was saying he was just finishing up speaking.

"…kill him immediately." Rukia stared at him blankly. Who knew what he was talking about? But since Rukia was way too lazy to ask him to repeat what he just said, not to mention the act in its self is humiliating, she just said the first probable answer that came to mind.

"Ichigo, no, you may not kill Chappy." It seemed likely because of _that_ occurance. The time where Ichigo _actually_ tried to kill Rukia's BEAUTIFUL monster. Ichigo sighed in response. Maybe he guessed Rukia was way too caught up in her own awesomeness to listen to him.

"I was asking what to do with this stuck-up, emotionless bastard of a step-brother you have here." Then he lifted up the black-haired man he was dragging around as if to make a point.

_Ahh_, Rukia thought_, no wonder. Of course. Thats why Byakuya was being dragged around._ Her big brother Byakuya (the idiot) took over the country of Japan in 2010. After ruling the land for _one fucking year _he already had Japan on the verge of collapse. So the awesome Rukia just _had _to intervene for the sake of her ambitions. No, wait, did Rukia just say ambitions? No, no, no, she meant Japan! Yes, that's it, Japan! Still, there came the question of what to do with him, now that Rukia was safely in control. No, wait, she meant that now that Japan was safe.

"What do you recommend to do with him?" For some bewildering reason to Rukia, Ichigo slapped his forehead with his palm. She wondered idly if that hurt.

"I. Just. Told. You. Would you just listen to someone for once!?" Here he stopped and shook his head, "KILL THE FUCKING BASTARD IMMEDIATELY! Did you hear me that time, Miss Priss Pants?"

A vein popped out in Rukia's forehead at the insult. _How DARE he! _But then she remembered yet again, that this was Ichigo she was talking about here. Best to just get rid of him and be done with it. "Wonderful suggestion. Now go lock him up in our dungeon for all eternity." She said with a dismissive flourish of her hand.

Ichigo looked ready to blow a gasket. "I don't think—"

Rukia cut him off. "Do not contradict me, Ichigo. I am always right! Send him to the dungeon."_ And don't interupt Council meetings from now on, _grumbled Rukia.

"Whatever. Fine. I get it. Consider him already locked up." Then Ichigo walked away dragging the increasingly furious Byakuya who started to fight against his bonds, grumbling to himself about "idiots with inflated egos" and "self-absorbed midgets with bunny obsessions." Then there was a particular sinister comment thrown in such as "I'll show her…" and "Wait until she finds out." Rukia was obviously still oblivious to this as she is stuck in her own awesomeness bubble, cough, she meant Council meeting. Yes, Council meeting, totally.

...

Back in her newly attained throne room, Rukia lounged on her throne. After all, what was an Evil Overlord to do in-between diabolical plans? Redecorate? Yeah, that's exactly what she'll do! Her problem was that she assumed that this would be an easy and quiet task. Oh was she wrong (not that she would ever admit this to herself)! All the renovators she hired were running back and forth in their smocks with paint brushes held like swords on their belts. Most were testing out color swatches and conversing among themselves like fools. Didn't they realize they were in the Queen's presence? Idiots. Ever present was the loud WERR WERR of the power tools cutting through walls. If they didn't silence them soon, Rukia had half the mind to blow them up.

As annoying as it was though, it was necessary. Maybe...You should have seen what the room looked like before! Black covered everything, the walls, the floor, and even the _ceiling. _Rukia liked it, but Ichigo said it was too stereotypical...whatever_. _There was a sort of malignant energy that hung in the air and made it hard to breath. The shadows seemed to cling to anything with happiness and swallowed it into their depression and every order commanded sounded like a threat. Any stone that occupied the room was made of obsidian so dark that it made any light gloomy. All together the place was pretty sad. This explained why there were so many revolts. They probably just couldn't stand the ugliness of the castle! So Rukia's mission had been from that moment on: To make an effectively large rainbow throw up on the entire place. She would succeed even if it was the last thing she ever did. Although with the noise that the renovators were making, it could be _their_ last project.

Rukia must have realized just how boring it was to just sit in one place doing nothing because she soon got up and decided to wreak havoc on some poor unaware soul (evil grin). She headed down a corridor towards the Main Control Room that, at least to what she was informed, was cleverly disguised as the Sewage Containment Unit. It was recently moved from the old place after a security breach. The new place was so well disguised that it even smelled like sewage. She'd need to shriek at someone about that.

Wrinkling her nose in disgust at finally reaching the door, Rukia kicked it open dramatically and prepared to make those working inside weep in fear. It was Rukia's favorite past-time. Then, lo and behold, it was filled with giant vats of sewage muck. In other words, she'd be shrieking at someone for filling the room with crap. Then she realized the entire_ floor _was covered in muck. Someone is seriously gonna get it. Who in their right mind would even CONSIDER putting shit all over the perfectly good floor?! Rukia was furious. All she wanted to do was make someone cry in fear and what did she get? A room filled knee-high with sludge. Rukia's first thought: Chappy will have a new chew toy!

"SOMEONES GONNA DIE FOR THIS!" Rukia's angry scream resounded down the hallway.

...

Back at the barracks a soldier approached Ichigo with a question.

"Pardon my intrusion sir, but many of the men have asked where the ideas of these uniforms came from. Some of them, er, not me, but some of them (the soldiers) think we look like er, well…"

"Like Nazi storm trooper ballerinas with face-concealing masks, capes, and black tutus?" Ichigo nodded understandingly while hiding a smirk. The soldier looked relieved he didn't have to say it. "You're mistaken. These uniforms have been specially designed by a friend of mine and yeah, they are totally the ugliest and most feminine thing that I have ever seen. _But_ the fact remains that they are completely original (cough cough)." It was becoming harder and harder for Ichigo to hold the smirk down. "Aren't you happy that you can enter the battlefield knowing you died in an original uniform?" Ichigo paused and said under his breath "With a tutu." Then Ichigo couldn't hold it in anymore and started to laugh hysterically.

The poor soldier looked like someone just punched him in the gut and walked away, leaving Ichigo standing there holding his sides from laughing so hard.

"With a tutu... haha... That woman is so insane... hahaha!"

...

Rukia realized that the Main Control Room must be the place labeled 'Control Room.' They are very sneaky bastards. Everyone was supposed to think that the control room would never actually be labeled Main Control Room so they would never think to look there. Was the world filled with idiots?! Anyway, once Rukia finds out which one of her minions told her about the Control Room change, they were in for a world of pain.

After changing into another colorful bunny themed dress after the first one was ruined, the Evil Overlord would not give up on her mission of destruction to the Control Room. You would think that messing with the people who have control over every system and weapon in the castle would be a mistake, but try getting that through Rukia's thick skull. Storming down the right corridor, she stopped in front of a heavy metal door labeled with the plaque:

**MAIN CONTROL ROOM**

**LOCATION OF WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION**

Preparing her dramatic entrance for the second time, Rukia kicked open the door. "WEEP IN FEAR MORTALS, YOUR SUPREME LEADER IS HERE TO BRING DOWN DIVINE—"

"Ahh! Rukia-chan~! I haven't seen you in so long! How's tyrannical dictatorship going for you?! I was hoping you would visit me more often, you didn't visit even once! Not even to buy some candy. But not to worry, I brought some from the shop! Hahahaha! Anyway—" Rukia was cut off mid-rant by a strange man with a green stripped bucket hat covering his eyes sitting in a chair before a large plethora of screens. In fact, he was the only one in the rather large room with tons of other stations that needed to be manned. It irked Rukia but she was also grateful because she now had a reason to yell at the man. She never gets that chance too often.

"Why are all these stations unmanned?! Since when have you been invited to work in my castle?! I did not permit this! Where is everyone else?!" Rukia glared scathingly at the apparently laid-back man. What the hell?! He was supposed to be cowering in fear!

"My, my, you don't need to be so mean Rukia-chan! I just sent everyone on break." At this comment, Rukia's eye started to twitch and a vein pulsed in her forehead. Seriously?! Rukia was positive now: The world MUST be filled with idiots!

"You mean to tell me, that you just walked into this castle, uninvited, and put every person working in the most important place in this entire country on BREAK?!" Now Rukia was walking forward menacingly, sword almost magically appearing in her hand just so it can have the honor of cutting up the man. Said man, who was normally jolly and easy-going, was now starting to look worried.

Then two new people barged into the room, one looking more surprised that the man was here, rather than the fact that Rukia was close to killing him. The other looked delighted at the proceedings so far. It was as if he couldn't wait for Rukia to run him through. "Urahara? You're here already? You at least could have warned me before you came in. Then this situation could have been avoided altogether." Ichigo said to Urahara. The other person scowled at Ichigo's comment and seemed to be projecting something along the lines of _What the hell are you doing? It was just going to get good and I was bored._

"YOU! YOU KNEW ABOUT THIS?!" Rukia redirected her anger at the new arrivals.

Ichigo responded with: "Well, yeah. I'm the one who invited him. How else do you think he got into the castle? And Renji here was the one who realized that all the people who were normally working their asses off in here, were on break."

"Yeah, It's a little hard _not_ to notice 50 new people down in the kitchens cleaning us all out." Renji growled, "And I was getting hungry! We're out of food Kuchiki!"

Rukia flushed an angry red and seemed indecisive on who to kill first. In her mind, Urahara, Ichigo, and Renji all deserved to die. Why couldn't she be able to kill them all just once?! But from the beginning, it did seem pretty obvious that Urahara was invited. Getting into the most heavily guarded building in the country is no easy feat.

"But Ichigo, why on earth would you invite this man into the castle!? The very idea is ridiculous!" Rukia was having a tantrum now.

"I didn't just invite him; he's going to be staying in the castle as the new head of the Research and Development Bureau for Evil Arts. He is also supervising the Main Control Room, which is why he could order everyone on a break."

"WHAT! I did not authorize such an appointment!" This is just not Rukia's day. Complete insubordination by Ichigo! Rukia should have him beheaded! Maybe Chappy can have TWO new toys. Why not? "And Renji Abarai! Why were you neglecting your duties and stuffing your face in the kitchen?!"

Renji looked like he wanted to escape immediately. Then Ichigo took out a notebook and read aloud: "Order number seven-hundred and nineteen, find and appoint a head for the new Bureau who we can also and I quote 'torture into undertaking the backbreaking paperwork that comes with being the supervisor of the Control Room.' Since our last one kinda had a nervous breakdown, remember?"

You could practically see the light bulb going off over Rukia's head. _Duh._ Betrayal fading from her eyes, Rukia looked scornfully at Kisuke Urahara before returning to Ichigo. "But why did you hire _him_?"

"Well originally I wasn't. Who in their right minds would hire old geta-boushi anyway? But then he said he invented this Weapon of Mass Destruction," Rukia's eyes lit up at this comment, "and I think this one might even be better than your own WMD." Rukia was a little offended that this WMD could be better than her own, but she was intrigued nonetheless. Ok maybe the world was less one idiot.

"Explain this weapon, Urahara."

"Oh, of course Rukia-chan! I made it with you in mind. It's a device that turns everyone within distance into cute little stuffed animals! All you have to do to activate it is stand on your head and scream at the top of your lungs the words 'SILVERWING FAIRY GLITTER ACTIVATE! BESTOW UPON ME YOUR GREAT POWER!' then you must do an Irish jig to complete the ritual. It's really not that hard." After this, Ichigo seemed to be wearing an expression equivalent to: _What the fuck? No way in hell am I doing that!, _Renji looked disgusted that someone would actually invent something so revoltingly awful, and Rukia honestly seemed to be considering it. (Of course Rukia would be considering it…) Wait, if it was designed for Rukia, where in the hell were all the bunnies?!

"Urahara, this device can indeed become very helpful if it does what you say it does. But for now I will take your word for it. Now bring back the mindless servants you sent away and get everyone working immediately! Paperwork doesn't get signed by itself you know!" Urahara seemed to sag at the thought of the mountains of paper he had to go through. Who wouldn't? "And you, Ichigo, stop procrastinating and go drag Byakuya Kuchiki to underground cell block F. I know you haven't already! Renji; I'm putting you in charge of getting more food. And don't you dare slack off!" Now Ichigo looked off in the distance and started to whistle a tune as if he hadn't been caught in the act, Renji seemed about to fall asleep. Only when Rukia yelled, "MOVE NOW!" did they move.

Renji jumped and ran out of the room. Ichigo sighed, "Yeah, I get it, I'm going." And his orangeish-colored head walked out of the door.

"Keep me informed, Urahara, on any other useful inventions you may create. They should involve bunnies." Rukia warned over her shoulder as she too, walked out of the door.

Kisuke Urahara grinned. It looked like this was the right choice after all. Serving an Evil Overlord was definitely going to be the most effective way to kill his bunny less boredom.

...

"You! Minion! Status report!"

"Yes your highness. Teams A and B have finished painting 2 guest rooms on the third floor, while Teams E and F are still struggling with the bathrooms. But the good news is we have called in a professional designer so with their help, we should be done in a month. That is without any unforeseen delays."

"Hmmm. Have you consulted a Seer on this matter?"

"No, Your Highness, the Seer we have called said her inner eye was blocked due to some powerful force. But she said she might be able to unblock it for some type of supplement 'price.' We were not sure what she meant by that. So in the end we just kidnapped her first-born child and gave him to Kelly, while we threatened her with all the ways we could torture him. We are still awaiting her response."

As soon as Rukia's minion said 'powerful force,' he lost her. The force was probably Rukia's radiated awesomeness interfering with how people's minds work. Obviously. She had that effect on people. As soon as they entered her presence, BAM, they had no choice but to grovel in submission. How Rukia loved groveling.

Lost in this daydream, nobody seemed to notice the dirty, scrawny-looking man enter the room breathing heavily as if he had just run 26.2 miles chased the whole time by Chappy. His clothing was ripped too, as if the giant killer bunny had gotten him a few times. Panting, but still unable to talk, he tried to get everyone's attention by waving his arms. After a few moments of unsuccessfully drawing attention to himself he managed to speak "H-hey!" Still no reaction. Then he spoke louder "HEY!" A few glanced his way, but then resumed renovating. Then after deciding the only way to get the proper amount of attention was to just come out with the news in the bluntest way possible he yelled in desperation "We're going to be attacked! The heroes are coming to rescue the Old King and they said nothing will stop them from succeeding!" Then the guy fell flat on his face in a dead faint. That got people's attention. Even Rukia's bubble popped when someone screamed.

"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! THE HEROES ARE GOING ON A MASSACRE!" And everyone started yelling and screaming and trampling each other in their hurry to escape. Rukia was pretty sure that at one point she saw a person sobbing in the corner of the room. Oh. Come. On!

After having to repeatedly yell "Do you know who you just pushed!? The Supreme Overlord of this land!" "I can have you beheaded!" "Scum! Watch where you're going! I am your ruler!" The room was finally empty except for the stupid messenger who still lay on the ground. Then the severity of the situation hit Rukia in the face. Literally, in the form of Ichigo's fist.

"What do you think you're doing?! We're being attacked! Get off your ass and go lead an army, Queen of Japan! Your rep is on the line!" At the last comment Rukia's resolve hardened. After, of course, reminding herself to kill Ichigo for punching her later.

"Yes. I will make those foolish heroes regret the day they decided to cross me! I will make them suffer painfully! MWUHAHAHAHAHAHA!" But sadly she could not finish her laughter as Rukia was kicked in the back of her head by Renji. He will regret that.

"Cut the crap and go get ready, Kuchiki." Renji spoke with a seriously stoked expression. Finally something exciting is going to happen! That's not Rukia trying to rip someone limb-from-limb with her beloved Chappy!

"Y-yeah."

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**A/N: ****So here's the first chapter of my first story. Next chapter: Meet the heroes! Who would dare go against Rukia's awesome reign?**

**And a friend pointed it out to me that the scene where the messenger guy shows up is exactly like the very first marathon. Except I'm pretty sure that guy died instead of just fainting. Why...I don't know. Is it even possible to die just from running 26 miles? (My Inner Demon says: C'MON! MAKE THE MESSENGER GUY DIE! PLEASEEEEE! *My other inner voice mentally hits this person with a book*) I wouldn't know, I did it completely by accident.**

******Anyone wonder who 'Kelly' is? She is my odd friend who "likes the taste of children flesh." **

******P.S. To clear up any confusion: Everyone in this story is human with kickass fighting skills. **

******Please review and tell me your opinion! Hope ya liked it!**


	2. The Heroes Are Going On A Massacre

**A/N: Disclaimer: I do not own Bleachhhhhhh~~~~~! I also do not own Duck Dynasty! I also do not own a goat! But no one ever cares about that last one...**

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**Her Supreme Evil Overlordness, Rukia Kuchiki**

**Chapter II:**

**The Heroes Go On a Massacre**

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"Guys, listen up! We are going to be breaking into the most heavily guarded building in all of Japan, so keep sharp and keep to the plan. Now someone wake Starrk up. We better get moving." Tatsuki Arisawa commanded their small rag-tag team of do-gooders. They were currently hiding behind a bush, just out of reach of the castles snipers. 'Cause bushes are awesome!

"Oh, but Tatsuki, Starrk gets all grumpy when you wake him up! Especially when Lilinette isn't here! Why didn't we just give him some of my super special espresso this morning? It always gives me lots of energy!" Orihime Inoue cheerfully responded to her friend's request and then, knowing Orihime, probably strikes a pose while making a weird face. Everyone winced at Orihime's mention of her espresso, only a few people had been able to drink it and survive. It might have been because of the tabasco sauce. Tabasco sauce kills.

"You guys are all pussies! Watch, I'll wake the trash up and then you can all worship me later." A certain blue-haired bad-tempered hero then took the plunge and dumped a water bottle on the sleeping person's face. Stupidest thing anyone could ever do. Everyone waited with baited breath for Starrk's reaction. There was none. "That usually works. He must really not want to be here." Why would he?

"Grimmjow. Try kicking him." Forever stoic Ulquiorra Schiffer deemed this situation worthy of a response. Soooooo violent!

After a maniacal grin spread across his face, Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez kicked Starrk in the gut as hard as he could. Of course.

"Ugh. I'm up! I'm up! Whaddayi miss?" Coyote Starrk finally opened his eyes and seemed relatively alert. Well, for Starrk anyway. This basically meant that he was half-asleep. Urgh.

"We're rescuing Byakuya Kuchiki and starting a rebellion in his name. You remember the plan right?" Tatsuki took on the leadership role as she was the only one who knew what she was doing. Except for Ulquiorra but, to be truthful, no one was really sure what was going on in his head. Maybe bunnies. The last question was directed at everyone. Stark nodded his head, but Grimmjow looked confused for a moment.

"Uh… Plan, plan, plan… Got to remember the plan… Ah! I got it! We capture that messenger trash and tell him we are going to attack. But we actually kidnap some of those dudes with the hideous uniforms and infiltrate the castle as Byakuya Kuchiki's guards. Then it's just as easy as stuffin' the guy in a body bag and carryin' im out. And avoiding Chappy,the giant, pink, killer rabbit." Tatsuki nodded in approval.

"Now all we have to do is wait for some soldiers to pass~!" Orihime seemed cheerful even in the prospect of knocking someone out and taking their clothes, and seeing if they survived the coffee. It was a good thing the uniforms had face-concealing masks and tutus or this plan would have failed in a heartbeat.

"There." Ulquiorra was the first to notice the group of 10 foot soldiers patrolling the grounds hoping like prima ballerinas. The highest level of ballerina.

"When they get close, jump on them. Grimmjow, you move first. Then it will be Ulquiorra, then me. Starrk and Orihime, you follow us up and watch our backs while we grab their tutus."

"Sure Tatsuki-chan~! I've got your back."

When the people were in range, Grimmjow leapt up like a demon and forcefully brought his fists down on the heads of two unaware soldiers knocking them unconscious (and giving them concussions). The other 8 soldiers then became aware of his presence and tried to run for their lives like the cowards they were. None succeeded because Grimmjow was really pumped and he sort of went on a rampage.

When Ulquiorra looked over at the soldiers he was supposed to be helping beat up, he only found a bunch of beat up bodies bleeding on the floor. "Great. Now the uniforms will be bloodstained and the tutus will be flat." Though the sentence was supposed to be sarcastic, Ulquiorra sounded dead serious. But the others seemed to get that he was disappointed in Grimmjow's work.

"Wait! One is still moving." Tatsuki then pointed to a wimp who has twitching on the floor like a cocroach.

"You! Get up! We got some questions for ya!" Grimmjow then stalked over to the unfortunate moving soldier. And started to kick him in the gut. Because that totally always works when the guy is close to unconciousness. Duh.

"Grimmjow, I do not think kicking him will make him want to answer us." Says the person who thinks physical harm is the only way to wake someone up.

"Ow! Ow ow ow ow ow! Stop hurting me! I only did it for the internet access! Please! I'll do anything!" Wailed the soldier.

"Stop it guys. I think this guy can help us. What's your name...Mr. Tutu?" After Grimmjow retreated next to Starrk, the soldier seemed much more relaxed.

"H-hanatarō Y-y-yamada." He squeaked out ignoring the tutu comment.

"Hanatarō huh? Well you're going to help us kidnap the Old King." Tatsuki then called out "Orihime, do you have all the uniforms?"

"Yep! I even hid all the bodies behind another bush and got some blood off the tutus!"

"Good." Turning to the whole group she said, "Get them on everyone, time is short and tutus aren't cheap."

After everyone grabbed a hideous uniform and put them on while Grimmjow complained loudly: "This is gross!" "Why can't I just stand guard?" "Can I have a pink one?" "Oi, Orihime! Trade with me!" "Can we make the Old King wear a tutu?" "Does this tutu make my butt look big?" "Does my uniform match my eyes?" etc. They donned on a mask over their faces and looked to Hanatarō who was nervously still twitching.

"Lead the way, soldier." Starrk said lazily.

"R-right." Gathering up any remnant of courageousness he had and trying not to wet his tutu, he led the way back to the castle. It was fearsome to behold, all dark stone and tall towers. Without all his other soldier friends there to joke about it Hanatarō really started to feel intimidated. No wait, it might have been because of the glare Grimmjow kept sending his way but the castle was intimidating too.

Walking up to the West Gate Gatekeeper, Jidanbō said in a bored tone "Identification?"

Nervously Hanatarō replied "Patrol Group 568 reporting back. No intruders detected. Code Word: Pretty-pants."

Jidanbō nodded and said "You may pass." He looked off to the side and nodded to some people out of sight. Slowly the gate began to open to the large flower coated West Courtyard. Hanatarō quickly rushed through, not exactly running as that would attract attention. He led them through corridor after corridor in a seemingly random fashion. Grimmjow started to glare at Hanatarō more furiously. Hanatarō started to sweat nervously under the furious glare. Then they reached a sign pointing down a stairwell that said:

**BEWARE: DUNGEONS**

**ENTER AT YOUR OWN DEMISE**

After that happy little sign cheered them up they descended the creepy stairwell into the dark. "Why does it always have to be dark?! This is sooo not fair! I mean I get the whole 'I'm -evil-so-my-layer-shoud-be-as-dark-as-my-personality' vibe but this is just going too far." Grimmjow complained. Screams of agony and insanity could be heard along with laughter that creeped them out even more. Hanatarō held a lit torch that did nothing but cause hungry shadows and creatures of the night to appear and the place _stunk_. Not like sewage stink but close enough to it. It's probably the stench of a head strong Overlord's main control room.

"Isn't this place just a happy land full of cookies and sunshine?" Starrk couldn't resist the urge to throw the sarcastic comment everyone was thinking out in the open. Silent nods came from the heroes.

Down they went for at least a mile or so. Such a long walk. Once they reached the bottom, they realized they weren't alone.

"C'mon! Move faster! _Duck Dynasty_ is on at 8 and I'm not gonna miss it 'cause you guys can't move a prisoner for your life!" Said an impatient man with weird reddish hair (no wait, it's more of a strawberry blonde) who was tapping his foot and using an iPhone. He was ordering around a bunch of soldiers with face masks and tutus who were dragging a man tied up in chains so heavy they could barely move him, who also seemed to be squirming around a lot and making it hard for the soldiers to drag him around.

The man in chains was letting his complaints be known. "To disgrace the honor of your great King by not even being able to pick him up! My pride will not stand for this, weakling! Get someone stronger to drag me will you?" The soldiers looked fed up dealing with complaints from two fronts. Who wouldn't right?!

Hanatarō knew who those people were and this was not good at all. It was good that they found the Old King so quickly, but bad that the infamous Ichigo Kurosaki, was there. Even though his official title was only the Queen's Lieutenant, he had more power than all the Generals combined (or so the rumors went). If he found them, they would be "dead meat for Chappy to eat" as the saying went between the soldier ballerinas. And if they were found out, Hanatarō knew Grimmjow would rip his insides out and stuff them down his throat, something that Chappy would approve of, and Hanatarō did not want that to happen. "Stop! We cannot go in there." He whispered.

"What is it? Byakuya Kuchiki is right there! We can take them!" Tatsuki also whispered back.

"You cannot take them! You see the person with orangeish hair? That person is the most powerful in this realm under the Queen! He will slaughter you on sight!" started to get frantic. What if they didn't listen to him?

"Most powerful you say?" Those were definitely not the right words to say in front of Grimmjow who started to crack his knuckles in anticipation. Stupid bastard.

Now Hanatarō was freaking out. He did not want to die! "Listen, this mission is stealth right? If you go barging in there everyone will be alerted to where you are in minutes! You won't be able to get the Old King out!" You won't be able to get yourselves out he thought silently.

"He speaks the truth. Stealth is most important." Ulquiorra responded. Finally someone listened to him! It felt good to be acknowledged.

"But if they get him into a cell, he will be even harder to break out!" Orihime pointed out. Why does she always have to ruin the fun?

"Also true." Whose side was that Ulquiorra guy on!

"Is it possible to get Orange Hair to leave? Maybe a distraction?" Tatsuki thought out loud. Unknowingly their group had formed a little football huddle at the bottom of the dungeon stairs. Still thinking up plans, for their only plan up to this point was steal uniforms and get in the castle, they jumped when a voice was directed at them.

"You six! What are you doing standing there? Get over here and help the weaklings move the old man!" Ichigo noticed the six soldiers standing in some weird huddle. Geez, sometimes you wonder what the brainless underlings think, then you realize that you don't really care. The group of heroes forgot they were still _wearing _the uniforms and Tatsuki resisted the urge to slap her forehead.

"Finally! The dunce has gained some common sense!" Byakuya Kuchiki was still complaining. It was the only thing left to do in his dumb, boring life as a cell warmer. The six shuffled forward and started to help the two soldiers who were already moving the person.

"Shut up!" Ichigo turned to the heroes "Underground cell block F, okay? And be snappy about it. A) I don't want to miss _Duck Dynasty_ and B) I don't have all day to babysit some half-assed ruler who got kicked out by his own sister." The last part was sneered at the man in chains who surprisingly still remained dignified, for a man in chains. If there _is_ any dignity in that situation.

The heroes obviously had no idea what Underground Cell Block F was so they just followed the other two soldiers down a corridor lined with cells. Some cells had rags in them, no wait, one just moved. Revised: some cells had moving rags in them that could be called people in some weird dimention.

Then out of the blue Ichigo asked a question, "Hey what squad are you guys from? I thought all squads were to be on patrol for when the rebels attack?" The heroes froze. They did not think this would occur (idiots).

Starrk tried to laugh it off "Oh you know, haha, patrol is so boring, so we thought we would help you out in this, er, cool dungeon, haha…"

"What squad?" Was it just them, or was Ichigo now even more suspicious?

"Ah, um… Three?" And then the heroes bolted out of there completely forgetting their supposed mission of saving Byakuya Kuchiki. They ran all the way up the stairs, past the sign, through the corridors and into the courtyard. Ichigo was right. There was not one other soldier in sight as they ran. Servants stared as they went past and some tried to ask what the problem was. They probably thought the castle was being attacked or something else as equally ridiculous. The five heroes lost Hanataro somewhere along the way.

Finally stopping in the West Courtyard, everyone bent over and started panting heavily. Then Grimmjow straightened up and walked over to the West Gate. "Oi, Jidanbō! Open up!" Nothing happened. In frustration Grimmjow started pounding on the gate. "Open up! Orders from the Queen!" Still nothing. Out of ideas Grimmjow looked at the others. He is absolutely clueless.

"Grimmjow, look what I found! It's the button thing for opening up the gate! But that's weird… no one's here. There were people here before right?" Orihime asked while looking at a big red button that said OPEN that was on the wall. How did anyone miss that?

"That doesn't matter, it's in our favor anyway. Push the button." Tatsuki ordered.

"Okay Tatsuki-chan~!" Orihime pushed the button and the great West Gate opened up. The strange part was that no one was there. Like how the button was unmanned, the gatekeepers post was unmanned also. Jidanbō was nowhere to be found.

"Now we know something is up." Starrk commented. Nevertheless they took advantage of the opportunity to escape and ran for their lives with their tails between their legs.

…

"Kuchiki, the castle's being attacked!"

"WHAT!" Rukia spit out the juice she was drinking in a beautiful spit take and stared at Renji incredulously. "But I put everyone on guard! All squads are patrolling the grounds and I even put General Ukitake in charge! How on Earth are we being attacked, Renji?!"

"It's not the hero rebels. We were prepared for them. This is worse Rukia. Way worse. I've been told it's the _Others_." Renji said Others in a whisper as if it is a name worth fearing, even for an accomplished swordsman like himself.

"No, it cannot be the Others. It is too early in the season—"

"I'm not saying it was them, it's just what I was told."

"We completely prepared for the wrong thing! Spread the word as fast as you can! Screw the heroes, they won't dare attack at the same time as _them_." Renji nodded and scurried off understanding that this is a serious matter. Or close enough anyway.

With some effort, Rukia focused on what was going on. "Someone fetch Ichigo from the dungeon!" she said "He'll need to be informed." One of her mindless minions rushed off to do her bidding while Rukia pulled out a cell phone and dialed a number. "ICHIGO! GET UP HERE NOW! SOMETHING BIG HAS COME UP!" Then Rukia hung up before he could respond. Rukia just loved making her minions run around. After all, who wants a bored minion? A few minutes passed and Ichigo still hasn't shown up. Rukia was just thinking _'Where is he? It can't take that long to walk up those infernal stairs!''And why are there so many stairs in the first place?!' _when he finally ran into the room. Wait, ran? No way can there be _another_ problem!

"Rukia there's a problem." Of course there is. "The heroes have broken into the castle." Of course they have. Sigh. Why can't Rukia's plans EVER play out like they should? Just once?

She screamed "WHAT!?" for the second time that day. If she had been drinking a juice box like before, it would have been all over the floor. "How is that possible!"

"Let me explain. They must have stolen some uniforms and tutus and used them to sneak into the castle. I found them in the dungeon and asked what squad they were from. When asked, they freaked and ran trampling a few people in the process. They could still be in the castle right now. I didn't have time to give chase because that's when you called me. I TOLD you we shouldn't have had the uniforms come with masks! (although the tutus are a nice touch) I knew this would happen! If only you had listened to me—" And he went on and on. Rukia was listening to what he said about the bunnies and daisies getting married in the courtyard...

"That is not important now Ichigo. We must direct all our attention into defending the castle. We are being attacked by Others." Silence greeted her words and a particularly grim expression came over Ichigo's face.

"Others?"

"Others."

"Then we better start fortifying this castle or we're all dead."

"Bunnies and daisies..."

"Riiiiggghhhtttt..."

* * *

**A/N: **

**Rukia: HOW DARE YOU DO SUCH A TERRIBLE CLIFFHANGER! I SHALL HAVE YOU BEHEADED!**

**Me: My inner demon told me to do it. And my inner voice agreed this time.**

**Inner Demon: I added the tutus *CACKLE* BWAH HA HA**

**Inner Voice: I tried to stop 'im.**

**Inner Demon: I love bunnies and daisies...**

**Me: *horror struck***

**Inner Voice: Your not fooling anybody with that!**

**Inner Demon: What about giant pink killer bunnies in black tutus?!**

**Inner Voice: I conceed.**

**Rukia: HOW DARE YOU SPEAK OF MY BELOVED CHAPPY BEHIND MY BACK! I WILL KILL YOU ALL!**

**Me: HA HA HA AS IF YOU COULD! YOUR REALITY IS IN MY CONTROL!**

**Me: Ahh, the voices in my head are driving me crazy. Bunny crazy. No! No bunnies! But bunnies are awesome! Especially bunnies in tutus! **

**The season in the story is Fall.**

**For those who want to know: Duck Dynasty is a TV show. Google it. **

**Next Chapter: Who are those damn Others, and who is deranged enough to be a General in Rukia's army? (Ukitake is the only sane one.)**

**Review? Please? I'll give you a tutu?**


	3. A Giant Purple Duck Shat a Golden Egg

**Disclaimer: I am not Tite Kubo. Then I would be a total badass! But I'm not. Wait, on second thought, I still might be a badass, but I'm still not Tite Kubo. **

* * *

**Her Supreme Evil Overlordness, Rukia Kuchiki**

**Chapter III:**

**A Giant Purple Duck Just Shat a Golden Egg**

* * *

Rukia ran as fast as she could to the Eastern Gate. Why the hell was it so far away?! After she recalled all her minions to help fight their invader attacking the castle, she had to go assess the severity of the situation. To do this, she had to see these _Others_ with her own eyes. Racing through the corridors with Ichigo by her side, she arrived just as the monster knocked down a wall. It will be replaced in ten minutes...or ELSE!

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Ichigo summed the situation up very well. Too well, in Rukia's opinion.

Standing there was a huge beast that could strike fear into the hearts of any man, woman, or child. It was a gigantic duck in a light beige/lilac color. Its huge webbed feet were walking over the castle walls as if it was just a toy. "What the fuck?! I just built that!" The lead duck was flanked on each side by two others. How the hell was it smart enough to have gotten past the defenses?! One was dark violet, short, fat, and mean looking. The other was also dark, but more of a dark magenta, and was stupidly walking in circles and squawking "QUUUUUUAAAAACKKKKKKKKKK!" with each step. _Wow what a problem child._ At least it was taller than the short one.

Rukia was calculating maniacally. She viewed the situation between slitted eyes, and then exclaimed, "RELEASE MY PRECIOUS CHAPPY!"

"Not that wretched beast of yours Rukia! That will cause even more damage to the castle! Just let the guys with the rocket launchers handle it!" Ichigo snapped out of his awed moment to stop Rukia before she did anything she would regret, like releasing the giant pink, tutu dawning rabbit monster. And she did that a lot. "If those guys fail, we can always release Chappy later." _No way in hell._

…

Rukia sullenly didn't release Chappy. This is only because she didn't have the patience to rebuild her castle. Again. The first time (because of _that_ horrible incident, - not going into it) rebuilding from the rubble was torturous and the people who were building it were stupid and annoying. There was no need repeating that ungodly process again. And she only recently obtained her castle too! Well, not for long anyway.

Soon after Rukia agreed upon this, a huge man who was grinning (evilly because this _is_ an Evil Overlord's castle) entered the Eastern Courtyard and started to walk towards her. Rukia noticed him and shrieked out her orders. "Zaraki Kenpachi! Arm your squad and prepare to launch!"_I want Chappy..._

It wasn't Kenpachi who answered though; it was a little girl whose pink head popped up over Kenpachi's shoulder. ""Kay-'Kay! Kenny lets go blow up big duckies! Ruki-Ruki said so!"_Freak._ Yachiru Kusajishi spoke excitedly to Kenpachi. "That means Baldy and Yun-Yun can play too!" _Super-Freak_ Then she paused. Unfortunately not for long. _SHIT._ The only blessing was that Ichigo's little menace wasn't there too. If Nel was here, all a person could do was to run for your lives as fast as they can without falling flat on their faces. Yachiru's wonderful pause ended when she spotted Ichigo. She yelled, "HI ICCHI! HAVE YOU COME TO PLAY WITH THE BIG DUCKIES TOO?" _DUCKIES?! What. The. Hell?_

"Yes Ichigo. Let's fight!" Nobody ever said anything about fighting each other, but Kenpachi started to grin wider anyway. If he smiled any bigger his face would probably split open. Ichigo really wanted to see that happen.

"Not today. You have some _Others_ to take care of," Ichigo responded a little nervously.

"Yeah Kenny. We can't forget about the big duckies!"_Again the the freaking duckies! Didn't she know they were called others?! STUPID GIT!_

"Che. Fine. Next time then?" Kenpachi sounded disappointed but went to the battlements anyway where he knew his men would be 'working.' (Or playing cards while drinking saké. And avoiding Kenpachi, don't forget that.)

Yachiru's voice could be heard fading away. "Bow-Wow was already attacking so we better hurry! Mayurin never cares about anything other than his experiments, Shun-Shun will be drinking, but Muscles might try something! We can't let them have all the…" And then, thankfully, she was out of hearing distance. Or someone covered her mouth. _HOPEFULLY! PLEASE?_

"QUUUUUAAAAACCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK KK!" That duck was still going. _I"M GONNA KILL THAT STUPID THING! _A second quack was about to start when a loud noise over-shadowed the obnoxious squawking. _THANK GOD! _One of the rocket launchers was shot. A moment's pause. But the _Others_ did not go BOOM like they should have. They didn't even quack and writhe in pain. No, instead, it was whatever that was left of the wall that was blown up...of course. The ducks were completely fine; they weren't even deterred from moving forward. And in some cases, in circles.

"WHO SHOT THAT ROCKET LAUNCHER!? SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR HEAD, YOU MINDLESS BASTARD! YOU WON'T LIVE ANOTHER DAY AFTER I FIND YOU! YOU DESTROYED MY NEWLY BUILT WALL! I LIKED THAT ONE, SPECIFIC, WALL! IT'S NAME WAS KEVIN! YOU AREN'T EVEN WORTH A BONE FOR CHAPPY TO CHEW ON, YOU BASTARD!" That insolent fool! How dare he defile Rukia's new castle!

Another rocket was shot during Rukia's ranting and this time it did hit the target. The dark violet duck who Rukia had started to think of as Crabbe, was hit right in the chest. No damn BOOM?! Where was the freaking BOOM?! Of-balance, the duck slowly fell to the ground as if in slow-motion. _DUH, WHAT OTHER SUSPENTIAL MOTION WAS THERE?! _Ichigo felt bad for anyone who was underneath the fallen monster.

Leader duck (Who was now named Malfoy based on Rukia's direct orders) realized that his back-up was one down. Infuriated, he screeched a loud "QUUUUUAAAAACCCCKKKKKKKKKK!" did a 360 spin, and started to rampage almost as much as the stupid duck (Goyle) who kept walking in circles. Sticking it's ass over the courtyard Malfoy (who might've been a girl, now that you think back on it) laid a huge golden egg on top of anyone who might've been standing around. Now a frustrated Ichigo ceased to feel any pity towards the crushed people. He was facing the same stupid fate.

"EVERYONE GET OUT OF THE WAY! IT'S GOING TO FALL!" Screamed a Nazi/ballerina soldier, followed by the sounds of many people scrambling for cover. A large golden egg, laid by a large purple duck, crashed to the ground with a bang. Its surface did not even contain a single scratch. No one, except a lowly soldier who couldn't escape in time (what was his name again? Fam? Ram? Cam?), was crushed.

"FINISH THEM OFF!" Rukia yelled at stupid General Kenpachi's subordinates. Why did everyone have to be so stupid in a time of crisis?!

Quickly the subordinates got themselves together and rockets were raining down upon the ducks. Malfoy and Goyle had no chance. Malfoy fell first, just as slowly as Crabbe, but with perhaps more dignity. _Is that even possible?_ Goyle went down hard, floundering like a fish out of water, still trying to walk in those damn circles. His quacks became quicker too. Instead of the long quack every step he made, he had quick quacks. Then silence. Blessed silence. _Thank god._

"See Rukia? The Others were dealt with _without_ releasing Chappy. (DAMN IT) And you only have to rebuild the East Wall! The castle is still mostly intact!" Ichigo optimistically reported from behind the cover of shrubbery. The Eastern Courtyard was filled with shrubberies cut in the shape of Chappys. Tutu and all!

"Yeah, but what're we goin' to do with tha' egg?" Said a drunken voice. Shunsui Kyōraku had finally shown up. HIT HIM,HIT HIM! Chanted the inner demon of Rukia's mind.

"I'm sure we can find some place for it to go." Wherever Kyōraku shows up, Jūshirō Ukitake is not far behind. _Tweedle dumb and Tweedle dumber._

"Ohhh! I want to dissect it! I have never seen something like this before!" The twisted crack-job Szayelaporro Granz came too. "Never before have we captured an egg of an Other! It will be interesting research…"_ SO not happening..._

"Well, get rid of it quickly! It has no place in my courtyard! Everything must remain strictly bunny-themed!" Rukia was glad she kept her priorities straight even in the time of a great crisis.

"You're right! I have to move it to my laboratory before Clown Face can find out what happened! He will try to steal what is rightfully MY research material!" Szayelaporro started to get frantic, and yelled to his subordinates to get moving.

Meanwhile, Ichigo approached the egg, and slashed at it with his sword. Just for no apparent reason._Why can't I do that?! thought Rukia._ He might have just been taking his anger out from talking to Rukia out on the closest thing to him that looked fun to stab. The soldier's wearily and silently were glad no one was standing near him. There is no doubt that a person would have looked more appeasing to stab than a giant golden egg. Right?

Szayelaporro gasped at his action, and furiously screamed at the top of his lungs at the person who defiled his beautiful research material, "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!? THAT'S MY PRECIOUS RESEARCH MATERIAL! I BET YOU'RE WORKING FOR KUROTSUCHI, IS THAT IT? I JUST KNEW I COULDN'T TRUST YOU LOWLY INFERIOR TRASH!" etc. His was a really long rant. Ichigo was only focused on the sulking form of a chibi Chappy eating a chocolate bar in his mind. You don't mess with a mad-scientists research material. _Blah Blah Blah..._

After the rant Ichigo stated, "It's chocolate," while staring at his now chocolate covered blade.

Everyone just stared at him in response to this ridiculous and totally random comment.

"What are you all looking at? The egg is made out of chocolate, deal with it!" Ichigo angrily retorted. His face turning almost as strawberry as his name.

"He's right," Urahara said in (mock) serious-mode, after he sneakily popped up behind Ichigo, who almost screamed like a little girl (but sadly restrained himself). "Some eggs of Others are made out of chocolate. In the candy market, the chocolate of an Other's egg is the most prized of all. Not to mention it's extremely valuable~! Like 1,500,000 yen valuable!"

"This egg can finally solve our money problem, Rukia," said a female voice who accompanied Urahara. "The debtors can finally stop hounding you! That is, if you don't let someone dissect it beforehand…" Yoruichi just loved stirring up trouble. She had an evil grin that looked scarily similar to certain Ichimaru Gin character.

Meanwhile Ichigo was staring at his blade wondering if there was a way to lick it without cutting his tongue open.

"Wait! You can't sell this! I still need to dissect it!" Szayelaporro yelled out as soon as he knew what was happening._ Where has you been?_ Rukia thought boredly.

"Oh, but. You. Will. Sell. It. Right, Szayel?" said a 'kind' voice. Also known as the voice of a demon. Retsu Unohana was emanating the force of a dragon while smiling kindly. She was scary enough to send shivers up Ichigo's spine, which he passed off as him getting a cold. That woman scared everyone shitless.

"R-right-t. T-take it." Szayelaporro Granz meekly ran away as fast as he could before he had to endure anymore of her freakish wrath.

Yoruichi was sad that the matter was solved so quickly. She would have liked more of a brawl in which Granz kept yelling "It's mine! You can't have it! My precious..." while Rukia kept on trying to stab him while screaming "Dance, rabbit, dance! BWAHAHA!" Yoruichi snickered just thinking about it.

"I guess paying back our debt would be the best action," Rukia said while getting bored from the whole situation. Not enough things that were highlighting her awesomeness to really grab her attention. "Someone go find Renji and tell him he has to sell the thing." Then she just walked back into her castle. Ichigo followed with a bleeding tongue and a sword that was still partly covered in chocolate.

"Should we send everyone back to their posts?" Ukitake asked to his fellow Generals once they were gone. Kisuke Urahara was eating a strawberry lollipop that looked strangely a lot like a certain lieutenant.

"I guess. But man, two attacks in one day. Even though one of them was just a false alarm, it's a lot to take." Kyōraku responded. No one was fully informed on the Hero incident yet.

"Yes, I agree. Everyone could do with a bit of rest after all is put back in order," Unohana stated, seemingly returning to a normal appearance that wasn't making everyone in her proximity pee their pants. "My subordinates will tell Renji Abarai of his new mission. Please return to your tasks and let me handle this."

…

Renji Abarai's sunglasses were broken, again. Along with all the other ones he kept in stock. That would make a total of 46 sunglasses, and who in their right minds would break 46 sunglasses!?(Wow, Renji can count, har har har.) Now he had to use a spare bandana he kept under his tye-dyed pillow. This was just infuriating! It was probably that Shihōin woman playing pranks on him, again.

Now Renji had to go sell some stupid egg. Normally he would have just blown it off but then those stupid, girly-looking ballerinas told him it was "Direct Orders from her Majesty, Queen Rukia Kuchiki of Japan." Blargh. Renji would still have just blown it off, but Unohana came too and there was no way in five Hells he was going to say no to that woman. She creeped him the hell out.

Where do you even sell a stupid, giant gold egg anyway? The Black Market? The Red Light District? Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory? Sesame Street? Sigh. Renji had no idea, so he was forced to ask shady people in dark alleyways. Those freaky Creepers...

For some strange reason, the people Renji asked were not very helpful at all. One (oh, the horror!) even tried to attack him! So needless to say, Renji was failing miserably at his job. He should have asked Urahara where he heard the eggs were being sold! And even if Renji managed to find a buyer, who in their right minds would buy the egg when he didn't have it on him? Of course bringing a 70 meter tall egg around a city was not exactly practical… but it would certainly get the right people's attention!

Lost in these gloomy thoughts, ignorant Renji was a little surprised when a shady figure popped out of a dark alleyway he was thinking about checking out. He was even more surprised when the shady figure wearing a black cloak said "Ya want ta sell 'an egg, yes? Well, I would like ta buy an egg. Maybe we can enta some type o' agreement."

"I don't know… my boss is gonna want a big price for it. You think you can pay?"

"Oh, I can pay. Ya don't need worry 'bout that, keh keh keh." That cackling sounded strangely ominous.

"Great! We'll make the exchange at the North Gate to the Queen's castle, does that sound good?" Renji was oblivious to any ominous warnings. After all, he was asking shady people in dark alleyways to buy a huge egg made out of chocolate.

"…When?"

"Oh whenever. Just tell the Gatekeeper that you're here to buy the egg. AND BRING YOUR WALLET!" Renji yelled after the mysterious man who vanished back into the shadows. Glad that he could finally stop wandering the streets, Renji headed back home with a spring in his step and a big goofy grin plastered right dab smack in the center of his face. Problem finally solved.

…

Surprisingly no one seemed to believe Renji's story about the mysterious man in the dark alleyway. No matter how many times he reassured them that the person would show up and buy the egg, they would not believe him. That did not mean Renji would actually do work and go find another buyer. The first one was hard enough! So he had to endure endless lectures about "doing his work blah, blah, blah..." and "finding reliable people blah, blah, blah." But that wasn't any different than the normal lectures that he received every time he stepped into the castle walls.

He still avoided working as much as he could get away with and his possessions kept on disappearing. He really should speak to that Shihōin woman; this was taking it too far! After some deliberation, Renji decided the only way to fix his situation was to prank her back. It is always the best solution. Life returned to normal.

Until one day, when the guy actually showed up. Even Renji had started to believe he never would.

At the North Gate, the mysterious figure was still cloaked in black. Renji walked up to him. "Yo. How's it going?" He didn't wait for a response. "So what can you give us for it?" He just jumped right to the point. Szayelaporro was still attempting to dissect the egg and everyone just wanted the thing gone.

The man then opened his cloak. Lining the sides where various charms, amulets, burritos (*_ahem_* sorry, he meant MAGICAL burritos), and many shiny objects, which were, wait, are those _torture instruments_? Strike that, they were SHINY torture instruments! Who is this guy? "Take yur pick. If nothin' suits your fancy I got some more… interestin' stuff back at me shop." Oh shit, not another crazy shop owner!

"What shop?" Renji asked while looking at all the weird stuff the guy had.

"I own Seirteitei's Funeral Parlor!" Oh, amazing. Just great. Couldn't Renji have picked a saner buyer? No, he just had to choose Mysterious Figure Number 1, whose favorite hobbies included dressing up dead bodies in his spare time. Anyway, what was he doing with magical items? Magical burritos are hard to come by. Only the people with the right connections could properly obtain the spicy mexican wraps of doom.

Oh, well. Renji couldn't be bothered with such things. An Undertaker must be paid very well. Then followed a strange tangent of thoughts. It started with Renji breaking out of the castle and opening his very own Undertaker shop, in which he became rich and bought a huge car and a mansion. Then he starred in a movie and became famous, and a Chihuahua attacked him! Now Renji was getting chased by a whole pack of them! They would not stop! They were demonic Chihuahua's, they had to be! Renji just knew dogs that small couldn't be innocent. They were out to get him, since the day he first laid his eyes on one of those pipsqueaks'. _'Bad dog! No! Get off my foot! AHHHHH!'_

"Oi! Pineapple!" Mysterious Figure Number 1 then proceeded to smack Renji upside the head. "Where's da damn egg? I don't have all day ta just stand here wit yur daydreamin'!"

"R-right." Renji said, rubbing the side of his head where the weirdo smacked him. "They should be bringing it over now, I think." Then Renji laid his eyes on a pair of interesting sunglasses the guy had.

"What are those?" He said pointing to the glasses.

"Oh, these? I got these off of a sorcerer in Britain who was working in a Monster Shop. They change color wit yur mood." Then Renji knew a creepy smile spread across his face, even though it was covered. "Wouldja like ta buy it?"

"Ah, I don't think so."

"C'mon! How 'bout a trade? You give me a giant egg tha' no one wants to buy, and I give you sunglasses tha' won't break. Seems fair ta me."

Renji bit his lip. The sunglasses were really cool. And they were unbreakable! This was a once in a lifetime decision, Renji better think it through...

...

"So Renji, what didja get for it?" Ichigo asked, in-between eating soba noodles, as Renji walked into the Dining Hall for dinner. He seemed really happy for some reason; he must have gotten a good deal.

"Nothin' much. Just this awesome UNBREAKABLE pair of sunglasses that CHANGE COLOR!" Then a huge grin spread across his face.

Ichigo just stared at him. "You just sold, an 1,500,000 yen golden egg, FOR A PAIR OF SUNGLASSES?!" Ichigo stood up on the last part and flipped a table for emphasis. He was fuming at this point. (But he saved the soba noodles.)

"Yeah, you wanna try them on?"

Ichigo faced Renji, unsheathed his sword and said in a wickedly distorted voice, "TRY THEM ON?! ONLY AFTER I SLICE YOU UP INTO LITTLE PIECES AND POST IT ON YOUTUBE, YOU STINKING PILE OF SHIT!" Ichigo was emitting a high level of killing intent, while glaring malignantly at Renji, who started to cower in his emo corner.

"U-um, I-ichigo? I didn't mean it that way! Here, you can keep them!" Shaking with terror Renji held out the sunglasses.

Ichigo responded with maniacal laughter "BWAHAHAHA! DID YOU THINK YOU COULD GET AWAY WITH THIS? DEATH IS MUCH TOO GOOD FOR YOU NOW! YOU DESERVE MUCH WORSE!"

"Okay, okay, you can kill me, then! Just don't post it on YouTube! That will ruin any chance I might have had of hiring a Chihuahua Control specialist!" Even in death those Chihuahuas from hell haunted Renji.

Ichigo's eyes flashed. That was the wrong thing to say. "Oh, no. That would be way too merciful. Hmmm… but what punishment would be appropriate? Oh, I know! You are to clean Chappy's cage for a month." *Insert evil grin here.*

Absolute horror dawned on Renji's face. "N-NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT! KILL ME FIRST!" Still grinning Ichigo grabbed a crying Renji by his shirt and dragged him off to the dreaded Chappy's room. All the while Renji continued to scream "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Then they were out the door. But it almost seemed as if Ichigo's nefarious laughter still lingered throughout the room. *Insert terrified shiver here.*

...

Elsewhere, Uryu Ishida woke up in a cold sweat, terrified, in his own bed, in a blessedly Rukia-free Living World.

_Thank god, it was only a dream. Wait a second, why did _I_ wake up when _Renji_ was scared?!_

* * *

**A/N: **

**It's the end... of the world.**

**And they lived happily (beating each other up) ever after.**

**REVIEW?**

**They taste like magical burritos. Yum. **


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